Day 45

Retailers have made me hate Christmas.

It is not yet Thanksgiving. But I'm bombarded with holiday tunes and shiny red ornaments and holly everywhere I look.

How can I think about Christmas when Mom is dying?

Amara has compiled a wish list for Santa - and anyone else that will listen. I find myself buying one or two things or scheming on how to hide her presents. And inevitably, I find myself riddled with guilt.

Mom will likely not see Christmas. There was a point in time I thought she wouldn't see Thanksgiving.

How can I think of celebrating at a time like this?

But I can't get rid of it. The malls are filled to the brim with constant reminders of yuletide and glee.

I've lost nearly two months of my life here at hospice.

I can't believe Halloween has past let alone winter's arrival being around the corner.

How can I start to plan merriment of the holidays when Mom is still laying in a hospice bed, unable to respond to our questions, our touch?