just keep swimming

I think I've been Mr. Grumpy Gills lately. But I just need to keep swimming.

Just keep swimming.

Which makes me even more excited for this.

How an American Idol taught my daughter an important life lesson

I was mocked.

I remember when the first season of American Idol was announced. People at work laughed at me for being excited for the show’s debut. But I didn’t care. I knew I would be enthralled with it.

Granted, I watch the reality show less and less these days. It lost its appeal. Not to mention life has my schedule a little booked.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t myself reap the rewards of its Idols. I am a teeny bopper at heart.

So this past weekend as I was listening to Kelly Clarkson’s new album, Amara asked me a piercing question.

What does it mean when she says, ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’?”

I shook my head. Why do I always end up with the profound eight-year-old? How could I make this song lyric resonate with a third grader?

So I did the only thing I could do. I compared it to the one thing that has consumed our lives the last few months.

It's no secret. Divorce is painful. It shreds families apart. And good people turn ugly.

I told Amara even though some days may seem long and dark, she will get through this time. And she will see how she is a better person because of it.

This will transform her. For the better.


Yes, there were days when I just wanted to die. My heart literally hurt. I was nauseous. Dizzy. I couldn’t breathe.  For what seemed like an eternity, I asked God for a sign, a way out. I waited. But I can’t blame anyone for where I am in life. I realized I had to just move forward and thrive.

In with that, I will become stronger. She will become stronger.

And with her gorgeous brown eyes, she looked at me and said she’s already gone through chaos she never imagined she would live through. Then she told me about the great sadness she felt after my mother’s passing.

Damn you American pop culture for having relevance and infiltrating in on my child’s character.

So guess what? Apparently mayhem will toughen you up. And an American Idol does know what she's talking about. What doesn’t kill you will prepare you to deal with the heartbreaks of life.

You just have to hope there are people around that can nurture and care for you as you fight.

this is how 2011 ends

There are many things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

And that doesn't say much since I'm really not that nice of a person all of the time.

But 2011 hasn't been really nice to me.

Yet as I reflect back on the year, I wouldn't wish a lot of it on even those crappy souls that came after me. But in hindsight, this year has been one of the best for me too.

2011 has been ugly and painful. But it forced me to take a road less taken and not look back. And I had to become a "nicer" person and let go of bitterness. I am reminded by brilliant friends of what truly matters in life. I have overcome obstacles and turned emeralds into diamonds. (I'm not a lemon into lemonade gal!)


So good riddance, 2011. Happy to see you go.

Here's to 2012!

I'm a numbers girl

I heart math.

You would never guess it now. But I actually used to be really great at numbers. Like calculus great.

Now I’m literally grateful I can multiply by 10’s in my head.

But for some reason, I still have this knack for numbers when it comes to dates and times. I can clearly remember milestones big or small.

April 21, 2003: I moved into my first house.

March 7, 2008: Amara received her first phone call.

December 4, 2009: We lost my Mom.

And today, today is an ordinary Monday for most. For my friend Danielle, it’s a fabulous one because it’s her birthday. For me, it’s another one of those days that I can remember so vividly but this time I want to shut it out from my memory. I want it to stay as part of the past but know it will always be a part of me. It made me who I am today. Hopefully that’s a stronger person.

I don’t think anyone realizes the significance of today. And that’s ok.

I’ll just go on crunching numbers the way I do. That’s who I am.

that was easy

We've all seen the commercial with that easy button. Press it and presto - instantaneous gratification of some sort.

That was easy.

Well yesterday was anything but easy for me. I was on an emotional roller coaster. It was pouring down rain. And I looked a hot mess.

I made a stop on the Turnpike when two strangers rolled down their car windows. Oye. I was so not in the mood to speak to anyone. But I didn't want to be rude. So I graciously turned. And they paid me a nice compliment.

Me.

Completely unprompted. They didn't know me from boo.

It made me smile.

I drove away. And all of a sudden, for a few short minutes, I forgot how grumpy I was about the weather and the compliment made me giggle.

So today, do something easy. I know I plan to.

always in our hearts

3/12/49 - 12/4/09

blessed (in pictures)

So I reread my Thanksgiving post and realized what a bummer it was to start the holiday season.

Because all things considered, I'm blessed. I'm blessed with a supportive family and fabulous friends. I'm blessed with a good job, a roof over my head, and food on the table.

And over the past few months, I realize how blessed I am to not only have a beautiful daughter, but to have one that amazes me with her poise and grace.

I'm so proud of how Amara has handled herself. She's had a lot of growing up to do in short period of time.

That's why I was so grateful we had an afternoon that was all about Amara and her cousins downtown with local photographer Sarah Sloboda.

Amara was free to be herself. And heaven knows that's what she did.

Photo courtesy of SarahSloboda.com

Sarah really captured Amara's true character.

Photo courtesy of SarahSloboda.com

And that smile. It's what warms my heart.

Photo courtesy of SarahSloboda.com

I'm in awe of Amara.

And I'm grateful to Sarah for capturing my daughter's true essence. This wasn't a "photo shoot." But Sarah really did help my family create wonderful memories. She allowed each child's personality to shine. And she gave each of them time to be in the limelight.

These past few months have been incredibly difficult, but I can now look to these photos and be reminded of all the hope the future holds and love by which I'm truly surrounded.

I am blessed.

the 'first' holiday

I don't want to poison Thanksgiving. And I'm not talking about my cooking.

This will be the first holiday which Amara won't be with both her parents.


I won't lie. I considered for a fleeting moment offering to share the day with Dad2Amara to preserve a sense of stability for my daughter. But I ultimately knew what would happen. After superficial conversation, we would end up bickering like children.

So instead, I will go without my heart today for the first time in eight years. My only child will not be sitting beside me at the dinner table.

Sure, I will be surrounded by family. But I can't help but think I'll still feel alone.

While I was in college, I spent a Thanksgiving on my own in my apartment in Chicago. No one knew I spent it by myself.

It. Was. Miserable.

I had to work Black Friday. So paying for a flight home for a turkey dinner made no sense. And I didn't tell my friends about my plans so there were no invites to attend their family gatherings. I mean, I couldn't impose. So I sat in my apartment, in the dark, crying. Because I was spending my first holiday alone. Not even football could make me smile. I think I ate chicken nuggets.

This Thanksgiving, I'll have my family with me. But the beautiful little girl that matters most won't be with us.

But I have to remember that after my first Thanksgiving alone, I spent a glorious Black Friday with friends. And that is what will happen tomorrow. I will have Amara again. And we have a fantastic weekend planned.

So this Thanksgiving, no tears. Only gratitude. For I do have much to be thankful.

And that includes no chicken nuggets on the menu.

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

It's been a few years since I've last written. My last letter may have included glitter and a request for a Cabbage Patch Doll and Belinda Carlisle album.

I know this is your busy period. But hopefully your elves will deliver this letter to you.

I love Christmas. And I love your jolly nature.

Yet today, Santa, you made me want to yank away my 8-year-old daughter's innocent spirit.

She's only asking for one thing from you this year. And it's something I can't give her.

I explained how wish lists are exactly that - wishes.

And she cried.

But she was prepared. She said you were magical and capable of anything.

And that's when I wanted to tell her the love she feels on Christmas morning isn't because of you and your red sack. It's me. I'm awake in the middle of the night eating cookies, drinking milk and wrapping gifts. Not you. For her entire life, I cultivated this wonderful, glowing story on how you bring joy and happiness into her life. But today, I longed to tell her the truth and that what she's asking for is not what's best. And I hope one day she understands and forgives me.

So Santa, I hope you can understand why I'm writing you this morning. Just thought you should know. You didn't just make Amara cry. I cried too.

Signed,
Mom2Amara

defriended

We're going to be connected for life. He is after all Dad2Amara.

And when all is said and done, I truly hope he and I can remain friends in real life.

But there's something about staying friends with him on Facebook through this process that made me uneasy.


I surely didn't want to add fuel to the fire. We've gone down an already destructive path - the journey did not need to be rockier. I didn't want a confrontation. So I gently asked Dad2Amara if I could do the unthinkable. And last night, I clicked "unfriend."

It seemed so final.

And it seemed so simple. One click, and it was done.

But I know it isn't. I'm sincere when I say I hope I can friend him on social media again in the future.

But let's be honest. It's not like I'm dumping him. We're beyond that now.

I could have untagged him from family photos. I mean, we've been married for 11 years. We have an eight-year-old daughter. That's a lot of holidays, anniversaries, and other random memories documented on that timeline. But I did not.

Yet I felt I needed to cut him from my Facebook friends' list.

I'll admit, I had a bit of immature stalking going on - checking up on his page, keeping tabs on him. He rarely posts on Facebook so then I thought, well maybe I can keep posting so he can see what he's missing. But I'm not Beyonce. I don't think I'm making him jealous over my wall posts about Pixie Dust.

Because Dad2Amara is not active on social media, it wasn't his posts in my news feed that annoyed me. I was more worried about how he perceived my posts. Paranoid? Perhaps. Self-centered? Sure. But legitimate concern of mine? Absolutely. It goes without saying he notices what I post.

And honestly, I felt like I was typing on virtual eggshells. I didn't know what reaction my Facebook statuses would get. And it's difficult to get my friends to comment on my posts when they know he's watching too.

So in the end, defriending him is what I chose.

Maybe I'll get a friend request from Dad2Amara. Perhaps it will coincide with when Amara opens her Facebook account. Or maybe it will be the day this is all official and complete. But I've said it before: nothing lasts forever. But I'm hopeful one day, he and I can be friends again.